Bad mailbox looking machine thing! Sidewalk jail for you.

But first a little history and inspiration. Not too too long ago the phrase calling card meant something different. Now that we have phones and internety devices at the ready, the calling card is gone, but it now has a replacement. And its free with your response to an Evite event right now (you might get a cupcake coupon instead).

Better than "What's Your Sign?"

What the hell is a dating card for that a business card can’t achieve, you ask? And who would date someone that has 250 of these? We’d like to know too! Someone, please use these. Please. Order here, and tell us how it goes. Or, if that’s too intensive, help us live out the promise of the card.

The email address and phone number for our dear desperate friend Chad Fulton clearly don’t work, and there is no @chadfulton99 on Twitter.

Well, there WAS no @chadfulton99. But there is now Absurders. If you’d like to follow this intrepid card-carrying love hunter, just head on over to twitter.com/chadfulton99 and  check out what he’s up to, and the impressive ladies he’s now following.

Hell, if you want to tweet as Chad and help him get a date, his password is that self-same statement of his date-worthy personality as his dating card subtitle: standupguy

Have fun!

Please do note that Chad’s card says “tweet me” thus indicating his view on twitter terminology.

LINKS:

Buy your dating cards now!

Here’s an equally silly variation on the “dating card” but withouth the bonus of being free, and therefore, even less likely to succeed.

It only takes 26 seconds people. Just click and watch as that quasi-inflatable bubble faced dinosaur swallows the perky cheerleader whole.

But where exactly does she go? And what happens next?

OK, this is actually common. More vids after the jump.

Clutch eats a scantily clad cheerleader and then a mascot v cheerleaders battle ensues. The ladies win, the mascot falls.

And in a poorly executed twist on the maneuver, here a coach tries to get in on the game. Just weak really.

But Mackeral Jordan redeems himself here. This routine takes the cake in the balloon-mascot-eats-person genre. There’s character development, shtick, unpredictability, quality follow through with the whole clothes removing part, and it seems like it all fits into on two minute time out.

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Please note the special effects, the costumes, the crisp recording of the audio track. There is talent hidden deep within this seemingly pointless debacle of film.

Like previous WTF videos posted on AD, XXX-Mas Kitten demonstrates that an amatuer filmmaker can, in fact, invest considerable time on a project, develop true technical abilities, and still churn out a video worth watching solely because it is so conceptually terrible that the mind freezes with confusion resulting in a kind of Zen bafflement.

Enjoy.

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…a US church organist who claims to have objectum sexuality – a condition that makes sufferers attracted to inanimate objects – plans to marry a magic carpet fairground ride.

Now you are probably a bit confused. How can a 33 year old Pennsylvania woman wed a mechanical gondola ride you ask? Not really sure. We are still befuddled on that legal point. But she really means it:

Miss Wolfe … will change her surname to Weber after the manufacturer of the ride she travels 160 miles to visit 10 times per year, according to reports. [Absurd Delight would love to know of which reports they speak] …“I love him as much as women love their husbands and know we’ll be together forever,” she said.

Check out the full article for a few more choice quotes that, though brief, reveal that this woman really is in love.  She is mocked yes. But that love is part of who she is, and she will act on it no matter how she might be treated, not unlike brave homosexual lovers from an earlier, less tolerant time. So really, she’s at the vanguard of a sexual identity movement in the making. Is loving a machine so strange?

No, but letting yourself get written up in an international newspaper for marrying metal sure invites derision.

Especially when you lie down underneath it and rub oil all over yourself in near orgasmic bliss on camera. Watch video here.

In the video you can really hear her passion: the way Amy Wolfe talks about why she loves the ride is not all that different from how a preservationist talks about a beautiful building. She’s like an architecture critic from a sex crazed parallel universe.

Or for pic of Amy Wolfe and the complete article: link.

@absurddelight for more links and lunacy.

BONUS: Here’s video of a woman who married the Eiffel tower.

The back story is unconfirmed, but it appears to be just another fine example of intrepid boldness in the face of mundane financial obstacles, like unused cubic inches in a shipping container. Stupid conventional watermelons, just don’t stack well.

See below how much easier the labeling is too.

This came to us via email, without attribution, so if you know the source, please lets us know and we’ll amend the post.

Likewise, if anyone has any information on whether or not these noble innovators have yet realized that the shipping savings can’t possibly outweigh the sales decline resulting from consumer panic at confronting fruit that looks like a robot. Still we wish them luck.

Via John S.

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UPDATE: Related video about people who want to have square heads. Suggested by Liz. Thanks. Watch it here assuming you crave creepy square head commercial experiences.

So, um, what would a diaper look like for this thing?

If you have more pics like this, or want to build your own creepy/creative backyard mash-ups, please send us the pics!

Link.

Well if the scum a) is functionally crazy, and b) works in a costume shop, the formula doesn’t work out so well for the reporter.

My favorite line is “please take off the rabbit head.” And guess what? There’s another mask on underneath.

Best part is that the alleged cyber-stalker gets in a few plugs for her website. On second thought, I think she’s a genius, and not crazy at all.

Here’s the back story:

“Cranston police have arrested an alleged cyberstalker. Ann Bruno, a local costume shop owner, is accused of using a computer to harass a competitor. NBC 10s Jim Taricani attempted to question her about it in what turned out to be an unusual interview.”

And, because why not, let’s take this oppportunity to compare this NBC debacle of an interview to the NBC debacle of a series, To Catch a Predator. That’s the horrendous, self-righteous TV show where host Chris Hansen essentially entraps aspiring online child molesters. What would Chris Hansen have done here? Nothing. This is way better programing.

For a good time, listen to some highlights of Catching a Predator excerpted for maximum out of context absurdity.

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DRUGS!!!

So get this: Pfizer has decided to give something back to the flacid community. If you get laid off, don’t worry, you can still get laid (cue rimshot, thank you very much). Little blue pills to come with your unemployment check.

People who qualify will receive their Pfizer medicines for free for up to 12 months or until they become re-insured (whichever comes first). More than 70 Pfizer primary care medicines will be available through the program.

So, this is part generous, part smart business and part plain old drug pushing. Keep ‘em hooked and it’ll bring in the bucks in the long run.

Interested? Here are the criteria:

Loss of employment since January 1, 2009

Prescribed and taking a Pfizer medicine for at least 3 months prior to becoming unemployed and enrolling in the program

Lack of prescription drug coverage

Can attest to financial hardship

Link.

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Really? I mean, really?

Just try to get your mind to bend and contort into emergency response planner mode. Because, apparently, that’s when it’s a good idea to make a kids coloring book about 9/11 and other tragedies. This makes us safer, damn it!

Here’s one you can print out and color for yourself.

For more details on the 25 page coloring book and a link to download the .pdf version go to The Smoking Gun. Credit where credit is due.

Oh, and FEMA has yanked the book from it’s digital shelves. Tremble at the implications.

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